I’ve starting weightlifting with my partner, and suddenly I’m counting protein grams. It’s…weird? And much more pleasant than the days of counting calories. Trying to reach a number makes it a game. Trying to stay under a number makes it like a mean girl living rent free in your head.
It’s not that hard, and usually I enjoy filling up my little chart I made in a fun notebook, but yesterday…yesterday it was hard. It was hard to do most things. Hard to get out of bed. Hard to brush my teeth. Hard to get dressed. Hard to smile and be sociable with the appointment I had midday. Hard to eat. Not that I wasn’t hungry. I was hungry. It was just hard to do all of these things as part of the same task sequence: get up off my chair, pick out something to eat, prepare that something, look up how many grams of protein it has, adjust by adding stuff if needed, eating the food, recording the protein in my notebook.
Depression SUCKS y’all. It takes something that’s usually a game and makes it…hard. Instead of it being one thing tasks become a million things, and no one can do a million things.
This is why I added the Fragile Day category to my “F”s of Fierce, Feast, and Fast. Because I knew I needed to feel like I didn’t fail when I couldn’t do the thing. The thing I wanted to do, the thing the calendar offered me, the mindful meal planning around the liturgical calendar I’m sort of known for.
So, I did write in my notebook. I wrote “too sad” where I usually note protein. And then I wrote “Fragile Day.”
Today is a much better day. Fierce and Fabulous. Tracking macros and its easy-peasy.
But know this – if you hit a Fragile Day, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just eating when things are hard is so good enough. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30
My burden is light. We are yoked, supported, loved. Fragile Days are good days to remind ourselves of that, and just be.